4 Tips for Republicans

There’s been a change of the guard in the south. Far south: Australia. And now I’m running the place I need to tell you, we’re not happy you’ve got a pack of communists up in your White House.

I’d say it’s none of my business except it is. We stand next to you lot at conferences and parties and wars. So I have to deal with your lefties, too.

Also, I won my election; you lost. I respect you too much to say that wasn’t your fault. It obviously was. And you’ve made a problem for everybody.

I’m offering to help. We’re smaller than you but like I said, we won. We’re good at this. Remember that if you start to feel defensive.

Here’s my plan to get you back into the driver’s seat.

One. Think like a business. You probably know a stack of powerful people. Get them on board! They’re smart enough to run your economy, they can win a bloody election. I had loads of help from people in the mining industry and my church. Worked a treat.

Once you win, you’ll need to pay them back. But that shouldn’t be a problem. Mostly they want what you want. Some mates of mine needed a place to dump dredging waste. Solution: Great Barrier Reef. Too easy. The place is huge, nothing there but fish. And tourists, but we can put them somewhere else. Sydney probably. Everyone loves Sydney.

But don’t bother with businesses that didn’t support you. I’m shutting down the car manufacturing business here, and canned foods, maybe some newspapers. They did nothing for me. Quid pro quo, that’s all I’m saying.

Two. Don’t talk to hippies. They’ll waste your time moaning about weather and trees and fish. (I know, morons.)

Take this bit of advice for free: it’s boring listening to people you don’t know, especially poor ones and people with weird accents. And unattractive women – they’re aggressive, whiny. You only need to pretend to listen – see what I’m saying – pretend to care. I’ve hardly heard a thing anyone’s said to me in years.

On the subject of talking, I’ll tell you this as a friend: mate, you need to work on your speaking skills. When you’re given an audience say something interesting. I like to talk about sports. Swimming, cricket. No offence but that Middle East story of yours is wearing thin. I don’t know the ending yet so I’ll hear you out. But maybe we can talk about the Hamptons or France. Spent Christmas in Paris, my wife loves the place.

You need to focus on growth, expansion, money trickling from people you know to other people you know (see Step One). Hippies will get in your way. As a general rule, all groups of people who don’t run companies spell trouble. Like unions. I’ve launched a Royal Commission into union corruption here. You might consider that. I couldn’t give a rat’s arse if they’re corrupt but it’ll keep them out of my way for months. Meanwhile, I’ll thin out some people-heavy industries like health and education.

Three. Appeal to women. I know you have some experience in this area but you’d benefit from some fine-tuning. I find it best to keep my pants on. You can do photo ops wearing swimsuits or lycra cycling shorts if you’ve got the body for it, but make sure it’s appropriate. You don’t want to go all Putin. Women like costumes, too – I’ve had good results posing in fireman uniforms and hard hats. Make sure it’s during a crisis though. It’s all about context with women.

Once you win the election, keep the ladies on side. Give a few jobs to your friends’ wives, so when people call you misogynist you can point to them. And for God’s sake don’t compliment a colleague by saying she has sex appeal – an innocent comment can bring the crazies out of the woodwork.

And be careful when you’re up against a woman in power. Women can be real bitches. I threw everything at our female Prime Minister and she never dropped a tear. Not when I called her a liar, delusional or barren.

Four. Keep the foreigners out. They’ll give you all sorts of stories about war, genocide, famine and torture but don’t buy a word of it. Use a firm hand to send the message that your country is for you and your mates. Withholding basic medical supplies works well for us, and banishment to a detention centre no self-respecting citizen can find on a map. If there’s public backchat remind your people they’ve empowered you to treat everyone as appallingly as you choose. Pretty sure that was the mandate.

Anyway, that’s it. Nothing to stop you from winning. And mate, you need to put your best men on this. I’m warning you: if that Hillary chick wins your election your country will never be the same again.

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